I often think about the first time I had sex. I remember it like it was ten years ago and how I felt moments after. I still remember the adrenaline that was charging through my veins. My heart was beating fast, the look in my partner's eyes, and the relief I got knowing I had managed to penetrate.
It was my final year in high school, and I was eager to break my virginity. I didn't want to ship off to varsity still being a virgin, and on top of that, I felt like I was the odd one out in my circle of friends. My friends had already started having sex, and there I was all alone, or so I thought. The peer pressure got to me, so; eventually, I asked my girlfriend what she thought about us having sex. We talked about it for some months, and finally, we reached a consensus. I was so happy, knowing that I was finally going to become a man, or at least I thought.
My first time didn't go as imagined. I grew up watching western TV content, so I had a different idea of how this day would play out. The setting wasn't what I had hoped for, but it was a day to cherish. I remember the anxiety, fear, and sense of what the hell I am doing here. It's funny because I prepared myself days leading up to the deed, but when the day came, I was nervous. It's true when they say you never forget your first time. You don't forget the feelings, sensation, and especially the first thrust after you manage to penetrate. Would I change anything about that day? Sure, I would. However, I can’t do that, and I’m only left with how I felt that day and I wouldn’t change those feelings for anything.
In the same thought, I usually reminisce about my first time and but I end up thinking about how I became such a hoe (insert LOL). I have been sexually active for ten years, and I still shock myself when I recap all the sexual adventures that I've had over the years. This thought got me thinking about sexual purity and a whole other bunch of stuff. Out of all the ideas that I entertained, resetting my body count is the one that got my attention.
I wondered what it means to reset your body count and if it were possible what I would need to do to reset. I don't know about you, but personally, there are specific sexual experiences that I would love to take back. It's not that I did not enjoy the sex, but in retrospect, I didn't need it. I was just a horny little boy who did not know better.
I don't know what it means to reset a body count, but I like to think of it like this; A shift in your mentality. I'm sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting a deep or profound answer. Resetting your body clock is disciplining your emotional intelligence. It is reshaping your cognitive functions and not always being available for sex. It is not denying your past but acknowledging it. It is being in control of your urges and understanding the difference between lust and passion.
It took me a long time to accept my body count. I'm not particularly proud of all my sexual adventures. Some are best not thought about and left in the past where they belong. I've tried my best to bury some of these, but somehow, they always manage to creep back up. This memory is the one that forced to change my behaviour and reasons for having sex.
I never thought I could have such an empty exchange of body fluids. Sex is fantastic, and it is not immoral at all. However, sex isn't the same when you only want to ejaculate; this describes some of my encounters. I remember once I had no interest in this girl; other than how she looked. I only had feelings for her because I kept imagining what it would feel like to have sex with her. I thought about her sexually and not intimately. Our relationship didn't work out, and the sex was part of the journey. It was such a rude awakening; the moment we got done having sex, I felt myself disengage. My mind switched off, and all I wanted was her to leave my place.
This memory haunts me from time to time and is the reason why I wanted to reset my body count. I never want to experience something like that ever again. Unfortunately, resetting my body count isn't as simple as the click of a button. I don’t think anyone can give a definitive answer on what it means to ‘reset a body count’. People will either judge or walk around eggshells to protect naive feelings. The resetting of a body count starts with accountability, in my opinion. What comes after that is a string of choices that will either move things forward or remain the same.
I can't tell you whether you should believe in resetting your body count or not. I have my own belief, and it works for me. So, the question is, did I manage to reset my body count. Yes, yes, I did. How did I do that, I accepted God's salvation - Ezekiel 36:26-29.
So, reset if you want to, on your terms, it is solely up to you.
Edited by: Khuleko Siwele